my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
