I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
