I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
