I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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