So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
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That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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