Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
