i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
