my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dick very happy bro
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
