if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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