i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
