His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
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Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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