i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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