Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
