Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You ruined the universe
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