I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
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