You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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