Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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