I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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