Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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