My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
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I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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