Just cropdusted the office
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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