The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
