I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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