And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
