I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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