i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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