Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
