I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
