i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
i need some magic done to my vagina
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
