I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
