theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
