I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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