my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
