just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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