Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
