Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
