I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
