He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I need a beard to bite.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
