Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
