im drinking this country out of the recession.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
