Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
