You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
