My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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