Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
