I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
