You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
