using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
