Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
