That's when you crack a 10am beer
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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