my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
