I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
