I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
