I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
